The “Should Be” Trap

The spontaneous urge towards development, which is within the child, dictates its own pace.”
-Maria Montessori

The beginning of the year in the Children's House unfolds in a way that resembles the unfolding of development. Our first days are spent just enjoying one another, getting to know each other, and getting to know the environment around us. We play games, sing songs, and simply learn how to be in our space. We spend a lot of time out in nature and participate in lots of practical life! It is through practical life that the children connect with and take ownership of their environment and themselves. The tears that we see in those early days comes from a grief within a child who is just wondering, "Where can my love go? Can I give it to these adults? Can I give it to these friends? Can I give it to this space?"

Now we have been together for several weeks, and little by little, the children are coming to know me and I am getting to know them. The youngest children have had enough presentations to get them through the morning, with a few songs, games, and stories mixed in. The older children who now have a long repertoire of activities to choose from, are helping the younger children with cleaning up spills, folding the clean laundry of washcloths, setting up for lunch, and the many other ways to care for our beautiful space that they have learned over the years.

This is one of those little pockets of time where a directress can observe the environment and see many beautiful examples of self-mastery, but in those in between moments, begin to think things like, "This child wrote and illustrated a sentence in the first week of school, he should be writing sentences each day. . .This child should be walking in our classroom. . . This child should be choosing the materials that I presented to him yesterday. . .This child should not be wrestling on the floor with his favorite buddy. . .

It's just our human nature to show a child how to do something or to give them an instruction knowing that they are capable of doing it. But then they don't; and our immediate response is often, "they should be . . ." But when I hear the word should in my mind, I shift my perspective. What does this child need? I gave him the presentation, but now he's not choosing it? Why? Living with children in a Montessori way, requires us to ask ourselves hard questions, like "What does this child still need me to do? Am I giving them a safe place to put their love?" I love a method of being with children where the adults need to look at themselves and notice, "This child needs me to sit next to him a little longer while he does his work or this child needs me to show more grace and courtesy to the community or this child needs me to back off and give more time and space after an instruction."

We are all working on self-mastery and there are glimmers of it everyday and the children are stretching themselves and improving themselves and we are all developing ourselves. This is a time to trust in the method, to trust that this environment that we prepared will give them everything we need, to trust that the children will find it, and to trust in ourselves that with patience and love that we will turn the glimmers of self-mastery into long stretches of concentration and self-mastery. It is hidden within the child, and comes when we are least expecting it.

Letting Your Child Engage in the Struggle

By Jen Ashton, Primary Directress

“The child’s conquest of independence begins with his first introduction to life. While he is developing, he perfects himself and overcomes every obstacle that he finds in his path. A vital force is active within him, and this guides his efforts towards their goal.”

In the Children’s House, a child figuring something out for themselves is where they experience success and growth! The activities of daily life are more about process then the end product. A child polishes a tray because they love the process of setting everything out on a table, choosing a beautiful object in the classroom, applying polish to it and rubbing it off. The next day they choose the same object and polish it again. Perhaps the first time the child struggled with the polish dropper, but we show again how (or maybe another child helps) and then step back to allow practice, so the third time or fourth time is successful in squeezing it out. The joy in a child’s proclamation, “I did it!” is often heard in the Children’s House, from one whose struggle has been long and determined. As the adults in the classroom, if we interrupt it, we not only hinder a child's development in the area of independence but we rob them of the joy experienced with the moment of successful accomplishment!

As adults it is hard for us to stand by and not offer to do something for the children that is struggling with something. However, we understand that it is important for children to take the time that they need to do things for themselves. This is not to say we abandon a child to struggle alone. We are there, offering a quiet presence, watching and observing, and occasionally (just before the tipping point of mad frustration) offering a little point of interest with the words, “let me show you the next step and then you try.” The more time we spend with children and watch their growth and successes, the more we are able to internalize the importance of children being able to do things for themselves.

This is why we wear tie shoes in the classroom. Tie shoes offer the older children, who know how to tie, an opportunity to offer their shoe tying services to others who don't know how to do it. Some of the younger children are aspiring to be like the older who already know how to tie, and it gives them a sense of determination: twisting and looping and lacing and twirling over and over again. This week I heard from one of the younger children, the beautiful shoe tying proclamation, “I made the first tie!” A few other children in the classroom who were nearby came over to enjoy their success. Then the child said, “Next, the loops!” I took so much enjoyment from this moment, and not just for the child who made the tie, but more from watching the other children who also gathered to enjoy this moment when someone succeeded in their struggle.

Another child was struggling to UNTIE his double knotted shoes. He kept pulling the loops tighter and tighter. Several times, I have shown how to find the place where the laces cross over and gently tug them apart until they were loose. Occasionally the shoes would be slipped off his feet with the loops still in place and he would bang the shoes on the floor... This week I looked over at him sitting on the floor, smiling a huge smile with both shoes in front of him.. untied, laces tucked in and super proud of his accomplishment! Maybe the other children didn’t notice this time, but he knew it and I knew it and we both enjoyed the success together!

Montessori Basics: Reality vs. Fantasy

We all know Montessori classrooms differ vastly from their more conventional, traditional counterparts, and views on how children developmentally react to fantasy and reality are one of the key components of those differences.

You may or may not already know, but Montessori schools discourage the introduction of fantasy to young children (children under the ages of 5 or 6). This means we do not use play kitchens, have a dress-up area in the classroom, or rely on books with dragons and fairies. This often evokes a visceral reaction from those new to the approach, but after learning the scientific reasoning it makes much more sense.

Some people hold a misconception about Montessori regarding their assumption that the method stifles imagination and creativity. The is unequivocally false. We wonder if this misconception stems from tangled definitions of fantasy and imagination, which are two very separate concepts. Fantasy is the stories and ideas drawn from a world which does not exist (those fairies, dragons, talking horses, etc.). Imagination is the ability to conjure images or scenarios in one’s own mind, separate from present sensorial input.

So, what is the difference, really?

Fantasy is giving wooden fruit to play with instead of a real banana to slice. Fantasy is reading a book about a talking dog rather than reading a book about the different breeds of dogs around the world.

Imagination is a child on the playground pretending they are an eagle because they saw a live one for the first time that weekend. Imagination is children playing ‘family’ because they are driven to practice the roles that are modeled for them in their own homes.

Imagination is inherent in the human mind. It’s where our creativity comes from, and it’s one of the ways we process learning about the amazing world around us.  As Montessorians, we revel in the magic of imagination (and, as children get a bit older, we use it to our advantage, but more on that later).

As Montessorians, we recognize that young children have a difficult time distinguishing the differences between reality and fantasy, and that blending the two within their experience can be confusing.  We also know, from Dr. Montessori’s own observations, that young children typically prefer reality to fantasy.  For example, in her first classroom, she had a dollhouse and read folktales.  Children were far more interested in leaving those activities behind to observe an earthworm or serve tea to visitors.

Our perspective asserts that in a young child’s life, everything they encounter is awe-inspiring and fills them with wonder.  We need not tell them tales of unicorns, in part because they often have a hard time distinguishing between whether they are real or not, but also because an actual horse is just as fantastic to them.  When the whole world is still relatively brand-new, animals, plants, the environment, and real people provide more than enough inspiration for their young minds.

We all know that even very young children utilize their imaginations (as we mentioned several examples above).  This is a normal and natural part of development which we value and honor.  We would just rather give our students real, authentic opportunities as opposed to presenting them with fake ones.  We know that a three-year-old is fully capable of learning basic food preparation skills, so we guide them and leave them with a sense of empowerment.  Even a toddler is old enough to begin learning how to sweep up a mess on the floor.  Rather than supplying a toy cleaning set, we make available real cleaning tools that are appropriately sized, and we guide young children as they learn to use them effectively.

Once children enter the second plane of development, around age 6, our approach shifts.  We know children are more able to differentiate between reality and fantasy, so we don’t discourage fantasy books (although we do provide plenty of nonfiction).  We also know that children at this age, through about age 12, are highly motivated to learn through the use of their imaginations.  

While we still do not rely on fantasy to drive our teaching, we do lean heavily on imagination for older children.  Several of our most important, foundational lessons about the universe, life on Earth, and humanity itself are delivered with the use of storytelling.  The stories we tell are true, but we allow children to mentally picture themselves in historically critical moments.  Elementary-aged children are seeking to find their own place in the universe, and their developed sense of imagination helps take them there.

So, what are the practical implications of these principles in regards to parenting? We would say give your young children the gift of reality! Give them opportunities to use real tools, to go outside and observe and discuss real things. The younger the child is, the closer to reality everything that you present to them should be.