It was so wonderful to have an opportunity to meet and connect with all of the parents last week! In fact one parent asked me if I needed a break in between conferences, I laughed and said that having conferences is a break! . In all seriousness, while I enjoy sharing my days with the children, it is nice to have 2 full days of adult conversations about these little people that we love so much!
Several parents wanted to discuss similar topics, so I thought I would address one here… Parents are trying to serve the daily needs of families, get some projects done around the house and some are working from home. Some wonder, how it is possible for 2 (or 3) adults to meet the needs of 26 to 30 children in the classroom and foster enough independence, so the children do not need to come (to the adult) every 10 minutes for help. Also, many of you are looking for suggestions of how to support your children’s independence and live life at home without the use of screens. So, first, I want to thank you for taking the time to read our recent post about the damaging effects of screens and being interested in making changes in your family for healthier living.
The solution stems from a foundation of structure and limits to develop not just independence, but also agency. In a Montessori environment it is essential that the boundaries and limits are established in the first weeks of school. Parents have heard us Montessori teachers yammer away about how order is a fundamental need for the First Plane child (birth to 6), but it’s not just because we like things tidy. There is a need for external order, routine, structure and limits so that the children can develop self control and inner discipline, the ability to make good choices for themselves, and learn how to live in community with others- at school and at home.
As you have read before, the first weeks set the tone for the whole year and the first thing that we do together are games and songs that establish relationship and connection. We then give each of the children lots of attention with small group activities, stories and the little skits of Grace and Courtesy. This fills their ‘emotional cup’ (so to speak) as well as continuing to strengthen the foundation of our relationship. We also show them how to do lots of things that they love (all of the materials of the classroom). 3 year olds love activities of practical life (water and polish!), the 4 year olds love the sensorial games, the 5 year olds love the big games of golden beads… we give them something to do and then give them the time and space to do it.
Parents are well aware of what the freedom in a Montessori classroom looks like, but the structure/ discipline is not as obvious, so how to duplicate it at home can be harder. Within the word ‘discipline’ is the word, ‘disciple’. A disciple is a follower of a teacher or a leader (think, Jesus and his disciples). With that in mind, we show the children how we want to live together, and we do this through grace and courtesy lessons and modeling. All of the lessons in Grace and Courtesy identify opportunities of respect for each other, and some of the grace and courtesy lessons I give let the children know the limits and boundaries. One being, that I am not always going to be “available” to help them. (It is OK because remember, I have already filled their cup, made connection, laid a foundation of friendship and shown them lots of things to do). As the weeks unfold, they begin to discover, I am often speaking with or helping or showing a material to someone else, I often have something in my hands, sometimes I am observing the classroom. My unavailability can sometimes be uncomfortable. However, in time, they come to know that I am always nearby, even though I am not always available. So, what then? They can ask a friend. They can explore a material or a situation until they figure it out. They can wait until I or someone else is available. They can put a heart on their table or work mat, which lets others know they need help and someone can come by to help them. Inevitably, they become problem solvers… they look for creative solutions… they figure it out or they develop patience by waiting. All of these, support independence and agency. For these little people, creating their personalities, it is about having the ability to influence their own life and the lives of others. It’s about taking responsibility, being proactive, and feeling in control of their circumstances. It develops resiliency and perseverance through challenging situations.
So, how does this translate to home life so we can get things done whether they are personal, family responsibilities or for work?
* Set a routine and a structure for your time at home
* make connection and give your children your full attention (before trying to get things done)
* give them things to do and show them how to do things, then give the time and space to do them- (be OK with mistakes, frustrations, and messes)
* when you are available to do things together, get the children involved with household activities and the responsibilities of family life (like cleaning up the messes and mistakes from their time on their own)
* set boundaries and limits when you are not available and let children know that you will come to them and give them your full attention when you are finished with _______ (and then do that).
Janet Lansbury has a great podcast that she released in 2020 when parents were working from home and children were home from school and everyone was trying to balance work and family life. I have it here: https://www.janetlansbury.com/2020/08/3-hints-for-parents-working-at-home/
There are times at school when our routine is off, our limits are not enforced, human will gets in the way... But each day is fresh. Dr. Montessori said each day the children come to us as ‘new children’. So, we begin again by filling their cup, playing games, modeling what we want the children to follow, and holding the limits of respect for others to the best of our ability.
