Freedom and Discipline: A Virtuous Path to Choosing the Good

As a preview of our parent workshop on the subject of Freedom and Discipline (now rescheduled to be on February 13th), I have some thoughts for you on the subject.  Keep in mind, however, that the great opportunity we all have to participate in this roundtable discussion.  (This must be how priests feel when Christmas is on a Saturday and they tell us that THE SUNDAY OBLIGATION HAS NOT BEEN DISPENSED WITH.)

For the people outside the Catholic Church, my little reference in the last paragraph may have made very little sense, or even reminded you of the stereotype that the Catholic Church is all about rules.

On Tuesday, I heard a wonderful homily at my parish which reminded me of a great truth: that these rules exist to carry us along until we have grown in love to the point where we are so in love with God that we are, as the Apostle wrote, a law unto ourselves.  Saint Anthony the Great, one of the first Christian monks, put it this way, "once I feared God; now I love Him."  Some of our atrium students would add some nuance here: the saint is not talking about "fear" like fearing spiders or deadlines.  The saint is talking about a proper sense of reverence and awe; an acknowledgment that he is in charge and we ought to care what He thinks of our actions.  After that, I might add in that if Saint Anthony were here to expand upon what he had said, he would probably tell us that the path to true love of God was through a long season of reverence and awe.

To paraphrase one of our contemporaries (Mrs. Ashton), discipline in the Montessori classroom is a combination of two things: 1. Holding firm limits and 2. Teaching grace and courtesy skills.  It is by this combination that we seek to accompany each child on the journey to make their will virtuous so that the limits which were once outside themselves enter their heart and mind.  

Here are some notes to ponder, and hopefully whet your appetite for coming to our parent workshop!

1. Maria Montessori's work was originally written in Italian and has been rendered into English by several translators over several decades.  In work by Montessori and about her education method, I have seen the dichotomy we are discussing go under three names: "freedom and discipline", "freedom and limits", and "freedom and boundaries".  I absolutely give you permission to attach your mind to whichever one speaks to you as we work together as educational partners.  Provide your children with limits.  Enforce boundaries with your children.  We want the same things for your beloved children.

2. When I say, "grace and courtesy", what do I mean?  This is not just a Montessori buzzword; it is a section of the curriculum.  Every day of school this January we have started our school day with a short lesson on a particular skill.  How does one receive a compliment?  What can we say instead of "you always" or "you never" when we need to express our displeasure with someone?  How does one dispose of food they are unable or unwilling to swallow if it is already in their mouth?  Children will not chance upon the norms of living in a community on their own.  They need to be taught.  If you want your child to be polite, we both need to be consistent models.  I must admit that when I was a young teacher back in 2014 and 2015, I was frustrated that my students were less polite than I would have liked.  Only eventually did I recall that I am more polite than my parents--that these were skills I learned from teachers, not my parents!  That is the day I discovered the importance of grace and courtesy.  It is through this curriculum that I pass down the wisdom of the community.  Together we practice the unspoken limits of our society.

3.   Assessing where the limits are can be a difficult thing, but where the rubber meets the road is what do I do when a child pushes limits?  Well, first we enforce the limit.  This helps the child know they are safe--no matter what they think at the time, they are thankful that there are responsible adults in charge.  The phrase "responsible adults" is used ironically so often nowadays, but I mean it.  Even if it is on a subconscious level, your child wants both of us to have consistent rules and hold them to that standard.  

What if that does not work?  The next stage is to take away some freedom.  We try to keep emotions out of it.  It is like when I give children math problems that are a little too hard.  My response is to dial down the difficulty; I do not want to give the child a task at which they cannot succeed.  In what ways do I give children tasks at which they cannot succeed?  There are days when one child or another cannot choose where to sit, or cannot choose their work.  In those cases, I might choose their spot or choose their work.  

How do we keep this from becoming humiliating for the child?  More than one of us here at school have read enough of CS Lewis's essays to know that a humanitarian theory of punishment is often the worst of tyrannies.  How do we not fall into this trap?  We do so by following the dictum I hear often from Mrs. Dankoski: "relationship before rules."  What does this mean?  It means that when the elementary staff gets together we are trying to think of ways to connect with the children.  We chit-chat strategically.  Earlier this week at lunch, for example, I drew the tree boss from the video game Kirby's Dreamland on the back of an index card to get a conversation going with someone who played that game over the Christmas break.  Thinking back on the words of Saint Anthony, I suppose freedom and discipline are a bit of a mobius strip.  We build rapport for the sake of the rules.  We enforce the rules so our classroom can be the peaceful place in which relationships may blossom.  Each reinforces the other.

More than any theologian, more than any homily or sermon, it is my time in Montessori elementary environment that has shown me the truth of classical ideas of freedom.  Are we most free when we see before ourselves an infinite number of choices, some good, some bad, all of seemingly equal quality?  No, that is a false idea, a prison.  Rather, we are most free when we can walk the virtuous path and choose the good. 

Freedom, Responsibility, and Obedience

The integration of freedom and discipline in the Children's House is a foundational aspect of what sets this method apart from any other method of education; or even just being with children. That said,  this is not the first time I've written about freedom and discipline and it definitely won't be the last. In fact, just this past November I wrote about freedom and discipline. 

 Where there is real freedom (i.e. freedom with responsibility, not license to do whatever one wants) the formation of the will and discipline will naturally evolve. We need to think about the word responsibility. Hidden in that word is the word "response". What is the child's response to the instructions, expectations and limits? When we see a negative, angry or oppositional response, we might consider asking ourselves if those expectations are within their capabilities.

 Recently, the Catechesis of the Good Shepherd podcast interviewed Sister Teresita Rodkey, OP and she mentioned in the podcast that right now we are living in the time when there has not been a really good balance between freedom and discipline... Maybe even for a hundred years. The pendulum has swung between permissive parenting and authoritarian parenting, and right now in our culture, it is more permissive. However, finding that sweet spot in the middle is what deepens relationship and helps children to develop their will towards the good.

I'd like to think a little bit about the development of the will and how we provide an environment to help children develop this aspect of their personality. Dr Montessori identifies three levels of obedience that a child passes through as their abilities conform to those that we as a family, community, classroom, or culture have decided are important to us. Understanding these stages according to their development can help us to understand their behavior or their choices and how to support and come alongside them in setting limits, and ultimately helping them develop an internal self-discipline.

 In the first level, a young child obeys their internal will, which is prompted by their development and their needs, so it can seem impulsive and purposeless. It is sparked by curiosity and persistence. It is an inner voice that tells a child to get up and try again every time she falls while learning to stand or take a step.  It is why a child babbles and makes the effort to communicate with sounds until those sounds come together into words. Sometimes it can seem like a nuisance when they see a set of stairs and continue to want to climb up them even when mom or dad scoop up the child, and place them on the floor again. To adults that can seem like this is not obedience at all! However, they are obedient to their development which is driving them to experience the world around them and developing skills and abilities.

 With the second level, children have some skills and abilities and are starting to follow some basic commands. They still don't have much self-control, but it is growing. It could seem like a child is obeying a parent, but really they only obey as much as the command or instruction is in line with their desires. If their desire is to make Mom or Dad smile and they received a response of enthusiasm, they are more inclined to follow the instruction. We know that language is very important, and language can make all the difference in this stage. Offering instructions that stir curiosity and a willingness to participate are more likely to get follow through. It is at this stage that young children prefer to do things with someone else and adults can come alongside a child and do something with them that maybe a child finds hard. For example, maybe your child already knows how to brush their teeth. It's a skill that they've developed. It is the end of the day they are tired and just don't want to do it. However, if Mom or Dad are also brushing their teeth alongside them, and making it interesting by maybe showing them how to scrub the back of their tongue or how many little circles can they make with their brush, or who can brush the longest before spitting... Suddenly it seems much more interesting. And, in the words of Winnie the Pooh, "everything is friendlier with two." The second level of obedience is where a child spends the longest amount of time. (And in fact, I have seen many young adults who are still in the phase!) 

 The third level is when a child has the ability to impose self-control and do what is right, even if there is something more appealing as an alternative, they know how to choose what is good, just because it is the right thing to do. This is when we see a child take initiative and clear the dinner table without being asked or reminded and not doing it for praise or to get what they want. But just because it is what we do.  This is when the will is aligned with their skills and abilities, and they have had many experiences in the world around them. They know what is expected in a particular situation, or by a particular community and are able to adapt and conform to do what is right.

We are all from childhood through adulthood going through these levels of obedience fluidly, while we are learning new expectations and developing new skills or habits. Each time a child enters a new plane of development we see changes, and often children need to go through these levels again. Even for us adults, as we go through new experiences and life or circumstance changes, we move back in these stages and need to realign our will, skill and experience.

 So what might this look like in the classroom? We always consider development when holding limits and expectations with young children.

 An Unconscious Worker (2 ½ to 3 ½ ) is just learning how to make choices. This age child will often work at a shelf or on the floor, so the adult might unroll a work mat next to the material they have chosen and place it on the work mat or help them bring it to a table. When this child is done with their work, if they get the material back to the shelf (or any shelf!), we can be satisfied. We give fun grace and courtesy lessons in small groups, to show how to care for our environment.

 The Conscious Worker is a child about 3 ½+, but before 4 and 1/2, we recognize that this age child is learning how to make choices. They are choosing materials and bringing them to a work mat or table and finishing the cycle of activity to the best of their ability. We see all the materials on the tray when they are finished, and if not, one of the adults can show again, how to restore a material properly. We use language like, “let me show you something new about this...”

A child between 4 ½-5 ½+ is choosing materials based on knowledge of the outcome of that material. He has seen the presentation and is finishing the cycle of activity all the way to the end as it has been shown to them. And it is reasonable that the adult can expect them to work with the material all the way to the end. When I see a child start something, and not finish, I begin to wonder is it knowledge or will?  There is also the expectation of restoring the material properly on the shelf as if no one had even worked on it!  But, what do we do when we see it put away less than tidy, we just asked them to “ check the material again, please" and sometimes, I need to say that a few times. And, if it's still seems to be difficult for them, then we can go and tidy it up together, remembering that everything is friendlier with two.

Freedom and Discipline: A Delicate Balance

Maria Montessori's educational philosophy emphasizes the delicate balance between freedom and limits in nurturing a child's development. This principle shapes the Montessori approach, aiming to cultivate self-discipline and independence in children. Our role as guides is to support the child, while their task is to use the freedoms offered to them. By the end of the first plane of development, the goal is for the child to have internalized the ability to discipline themselves. 

Montessori environments often encounter misconceptions about their methods. One assumption is that the adult wields absolute control, forcing children to work all day. In reality, the child’s play is their work. Every time a child feels or touches something, they are learning. These extended periods of activity allow the child to achieve deep concentration, and our goal is to empower their decisions while letting them direct their learning. 

Another misconception is that Montessori classrooms grant children absolute freedom to play all day without guidance. This reflects a misunderstanding of the term "freedom," confusing liberty with license. In the Montessori philosophy, freedom exists within carefully structured limits, fostering self-directed learning and responsibility. Absolute freedom, often seen at home, can lead to chaos without appropriate boundaries. Both in classrooms and at home, boundaries are essential to guiding children toward constructive choices. 

Liberty and Freedom: A Montessori Perspective – Although often used interchangeably, liberty and freedom hold distinct meanings in Montessori philosophy. Liberty allows one to act or think without external constraints, while freedom is the ability to act intentionally and responsibly within those constraints. This distinction is critical when preparing an environment designed to foster freedom. True freedom always involves limits and is an internal, lifelong process. It respects the boundaries necessary for harmonious living, such as the freedom to marry within socially accepted constraints. 

License, on the other hand, represents unrestrained actions without consideration for consequences. It is the opposite of freedom and liberty, as it fosters chaos and impulsivity rather than knowledge and choice. Freedom requires the ability to make informed, deliberate choices, a skill that must be cultivated gradually through experiences and reflection. 

Freedom is universal, timeless, and intrinsically linked to personal responsibility. It begins with the freedom to move and grows as the child learns about their environment, themselves, and their capabilities. As they make knowledgeable choices, children gain a deeper understanding of their world, promoting self-discovery, self-regulation, and an expanded range of choices. Freedom and choice are interdependent; one cannot exist without the other. 

Limits and Discipline:  Limits in Montessori education are essential for supporting a child's development. They create a framework that fosters internal order, self-construction, and the development of will. Freedom without limits leads to chaos, while limits without freedom stifle creativity and growth. Properly balanced, they allow children to explore the world safely while learning the connections between actions and consequences. Discipline in Montessori is not about external control but about cultivating internal self-regulation. Clear and consistent boundaries help children understand the order of their world, enabling them to adapt, make meaningful choices, and engage harmoniously with their environment.

Freedom Requires Choices:  The development of freedom is tied to a child’s capacity to make conscious choices, beginning in infancy. Early choices, though largely unconscious, lay the foundation for survival and later decision-making. As children grow, their choices expand with their interests, knowledge, and will. True freedom involves interest-based choices rooted in genuine curiosity and knowledge. Observing a child’s authentic interests allows Montessori adults to facilitate deeply engaging activities that connect with their innate drive, or horme. Real choices require foundational understanding and sensory exploration, which build the cognitive frameworks necessary for informed decision-making. Willpower plays a pivotal role in navigating choices. By regularly exercising their will within boundaries, children learn to make deliberate decisions rather than impulsive ones. This process fosters independence, responsibility, and confidence in navigating life's complexities. 

The Prepared Environment:  The Montessori prepared environment is vital in supporting the child’s development of will and self-discipline. Every element is intentionally designed to foster independence and align with the child’s developmental stage and interests. The environment encourages exploration, learning, and growth within safe and clear limits.  By providing choices that correspond to the child’s needs and abilities, the prepared environment enables them to understand the consequences of their actions. As their knowledge expands, so do their choices, empowering them to take ownership of their learning journey. 

Benefits of Freedom within Limits:  Freedom within limits nurtures concentration, harmonious energy, and self-discipline. Concentration thrives when children are free to pursue activities that genuinely interest them. According to Montessori, the guide’s role is to connect children with materials that engage their horme, fostering deep focus and maximum effort.  Harmonious energy emerges when a child achieves normalization – a state of balance between mind and body – and becomes immersed in passionate exploration. Freedom encourages ownership, confidence, and social harmony, as children recognize their choices' impact on the community. 

Obstacles to Freedom:  Several obstacles can hinder a child’s ability to experience genuine freedom. These include adults misunderstanding the Montessori process, offering too much or too little freedom, or failing to establish consistent limits. A lack of order or an unprepared environment can also destabilize a child, affecting their ability to make informed choices.  Inconsistent boundaries between different adults create confusion, making it harder for children to internalize self-discipline. Such imbalances can leave children unsure of their place within their environment, hindering their development. 

The Role of the Adult:  Adults play a foundational role in a child’s development, supporting their self-construction and inner discipline. By observing each child and understanding their unique needs and interests, the adult facilitates independence and respects the child’s developmental pace.  Through the prepared environment, the adult provides a secure space for exploration and learning. Materials are carefully designed to engage the child’s curiosity and developmental needs. By modeling respectful behavior and offering clear, consistent limits, the adult guides the child toward self-regulation and decision-making. Effective intervention is equally important. Adults should step in when necessary to maintain safety and order but allow children to self-correct whenever possible. This delicate balance fosters independence while ensuring a supportive framework for growth.

 Montessori education embraces the dynamic interplay of freedom and limits to support holistic child development. By respecting a child’s innate drive to explore while providing structured boundaries, Montessori guides empower children to cultivate self-discipline, independence, and a lifelong love of learning.  As Maria Montessori aptly stated, “Let us leave the life free to develop within the limits of the good, and let us observe this inner life developing. This is the whole of our mission.”