Parents as the First Face of God

I invite you to ponder a question that lies at the heart of our lives: Who is this child entrusted to our care, particularly in these formative years from birth to age six? And what does it look like to offer them catechesis, the proclamation of our faith? 

For many of us, the term "catechesis" might suggest the Catechism, that rich and detailed exposition of Catholic doctrine. And while the Catechism is essential, catechesis itself is the method, the way we transmit our living faith. It's about how we adults, guide children into an encounter with God. The Catechesis of the Good Shepherd (CGS) offers a powerful framework for this, recognizing that children don't just learn about God; they absorb Him through carefully prepared environments and authentic relationships. 

St. John Paul II stated that for authentic catechesis to occur, the method must be as much about the person being catechized as it is about the message of Jesus Christ. Through our work with children, we continue to recognize and respect each child's unique way of knowing and relating. We recognize the Holy Spirit as the primary teacher. When the Holy Bible is proclaimed, both adult and child listen together, responding to that inner voice. We want to share with you this afternoon, some of the most important things we have learned and experienced over the years, sharing time in the atrium with children and how parents can apply this same method at home to share our faith with our children. When the Holy Spirit is the true guide, and Scripture is proclaimed or the essentials of our faith are shared, we are freed from the anxiety that a child must learn a catechism, according to our timetable or understanding. Instead, the Holy Spirit illuminates what is meant for their soul in that moment, and their response, their contemplation, is their prayer. 

When God looks at us, what does He see?  

He sees His image reflected in us. This understanding of our own divine affiliation helps us recognize that our children, too, are created in God's image. They are children of God, known and loved from the very beginning. God has invited us to know that Jesus is the light of the world, and His plan has always been to draw all people into the fullness of life. This gift of catechesis, this way of revealing God, is a precious inheritance for our children and for us. 

To truly understand God, we must understand His relationship with Israel, a history of love and covenant. Knowing God is about relationship and experience. God is love, He creates love from love; to be loved and to receive love.  He is our Creator, our Father, He is three persons in one God. God is a mystery. 

And who are we? Man is made of dust and God’s breath; we are made in the image and likeness of God and are in relationship with Him.  Because we are made in His image and likeness, we are co-creators.  He gave us dominion over things, and we name things.  (In Genesis, God gave instructions for Adam and Eve to live in their environment, and we as parents must guide our children)/ and our task as parents is to be a “matchmaker” for the mystery of the child and the mystery of God. 

And here, at the very beginning of a child's life, we find a unique dynamic: parents are the first reflection of God to the child, and the child is often the purest reflection of God to the parents. 

For the infant and young child, their understanding of love, care, and the divine is filtered through their interactions with us. The tenderness of our touch, the security of our embrace, the patience in our voice – these are the first tangible experiences that express our unconditional love and God’s. When we model how to love, how to forgive, how to be present – We model what God does for us, consider Jesus as the Good Shepherd. And the child, in their purity reflects God back to us. Their joy, their forgiveness, their complete trust offers us a deeper sense of wonder and a renewed appreciation for God's simple, profound love. 

So, who is this child?  

Made in the image of God, arriving with a profound capacity for relationship, especially with the divine. They possess a unique way of learning, described by Maria Montessori as the absorbent mind. During the first six years, children unconsciously (0-3) and then consciously (3-6) take in everything from their environment through their senses, without judgment. This information leaves a lasting imprint, shaping who they become. So, we want to offer them an environment rich in love, beauty, kindness, gentleness and the most essential aspects of our faith. This child is already in prayer, absorbing the spiritual atmosphere we create. Their inherent spirituality and their deep religious needs begin even before birth in their need for relationship with God and others. 

How can we be an image of the Good Shepherd for our child, especially in the first 1000 days of their life? It begins with modeling our relationships within the family – our kindness, our respect, our communication. It involves our prayer life. Including the child in our audible prayers, even in utero (as hearing is the first sense to develop), is a powerful way to connect. We live according to the liturgical year of the church. For the youngest child, and the materials that we can have in their environment to help us connect or tie into the liturgy are for baptism having the San Damiano crucifix next to the prayer table; the alter table would be the communal dining table; We can also offer: 

  • Space and Time: Creating a calm and peaceful inner space and perhaps establishing gentle rhythms for prayer. 

  • Light: Exposing them to natural light and the gentle light of a candle. Imagine the subtle sound of a match being struck becoming a familiar signal of prayer. 

  • Elements: Connecting them to the life-giving elements of air (being outdoors), water (the sound of rain), earth (our connection to nature), and even the warmth of our touch on the womb (fire). 

  • Silence and Breathing: Our own calm breathing and moments of silence become their first experience of contemplative peace. Silence itself can be a form of profound music. 

  • Chanting: The rhythmic beauty of Gregorian Chant, "word made flesh conveyed tonally," resonates deeply, even without understanding the words. Its connection to the human voice and heartbeat makes it particularly accessible to thisSa new soul. 

  • it’s a conversation with God’s word, the primary relationship is with God; it’s an 8 note scale, 8 is completion, Psalm 8 constant praises so it makes it enjoyable;  

  • In the embryo, the first sense developed is hearing/sound; optimal sounds for newly created soul is music because it is a universal language, it’s the language for the soul – Psalm 150; 

  • The origin of the Gregorian tunes is the word of God, the tunes literally emanate from the words being spoken and transcendently expressed the word, the logos. It isn’t necessary to understand the language to receive the message; all that is necessary is the ability to hear and the capacity to be listening; The word of God – proclaiming Scripture, is inviting us to be present to the events and sentiments that are being expressed with those words.  What is Scripture?  It’s a story, the great story of Our Creator, His creation and his relationship with the creatures and our response to His gifts… there are events in this story and sentiments and these are all conveyed tonally in chant which is why we don’t need to understand the words to be formed by this music. 

  • Plants: The natural world, with its diverse forms and colors, reflects God's creativity. 

  • Mankind: Our voices, our touch, our acknowledgment of their presence in the womb all build connection. 

The release of oxytocin, the "love hormone," during pregnancy, labor, and the symbiotic period after birth, underscores the profound biological basis for bonding and trust. Deep listening cultivates this hormone, creating a sense of safety and love – a reflection of God's own love for us. 

Life must come forth therefore there is birth from the womb to the earth, the journey the child now has to take; the familiar sounds from utero (mom’s voice, dad’s voice, everyday life, music, etc.) this hearing/listening has become a communication…is there now a sense of wonder and anticipation for both the child and the parents 🡪 is this a sense of prayer? Listening, preparing, and waiting! 

For this journey to begin, there is a hormone, oxytocin, that initiates labor, creates the surges of contractions.  This hormone also nurtures the symbiotic period, facilitates bonding between mother and baby, breastfeeding also releases oxytocin in the mother which plays a big role in being a mother, and it nurtures love!  It is the love hormone… God is love!!! 

This hormone can’t just switch on, it needs to be cultivated (it’s vulnerable) — we have to tap into that hormone, we need to cultivate the feelings of safety and love (deep listening cultivates oxytocin and offers a safe feeling); Oxytocin requires safety but also lets us feel safe, there’s a symbiotic relationship. 

The Symbiotic Period, the bonding and adjustment for mom and baby, is derived from the Greek "sym," meaning life together.  It is an important transition phase for both mother and baby, during which they should stay together for physical and psychological reasons. This period allows for bonding and the establishment of trust and relationships between them, which is mutually beneficial for the long term. Sometimes referred to as the external pregnancy, this time resembles a nesting period where both mother and baby get to know each other outside the womb. 

The Catechesis of the Good Shepherd rests on two pillars: Scripture and Liturgy and is offered through the method given to us by Dr Maria Montessori. We introduce children to the living Word of God and invite them into the prayer life of the Church. The space that we offer is called an atrium: a meeting place of two mysteries: the mystery of God and they mystery of the child.   

When offering scripture to young children, we begin with a parable that has been observed over generations to be the most essential and most profound relationship for them.  

In the time of Jesus, the people of Israel began to wonder about Jesus and who he was. When asked, Jesus responded, “I am the Good Shepherd” Lets listen to what Jesus said here.  

Read John 10. 

The parable of the Good Shepherd encompasses so many characteristics for us to consider when reading scripture to young children.  

  • They are drawn toward what is most essential, 

  • They are oriented towards reality (a real shepherd and real sheep in a real relationship), 

  • They are filled with awe and wonder (who is this shepherd and who are these sheep?)  

  • They are attracted toward beauty (we offer a material that is simple and beautiful to go with a parable that is simple and beautiful),  

  • The joy and love of the shepherd matches the joy and love of the sheep 

  • The children fall in love with the shepherd and the sheep and can see themselves in this same pure and loving relationship 

Ultimately, understanding who this child is – a being created in God's image, with a deep capacity for relationship and an absorbent mind – informs what they need in catechesis. They need our loving presence, our authentic modeling of faith, opportunities to encounter God through their senses and simple stories, and the freedom to respond to the Holy Spirit's gentle guidance. As parents, we are the primary catechists, and in our love, we offer them their first glimpse of the God who created and cherishes them beyond measure. 

Questions for parents to continue to ponder: 

How can you intentionally cultivate a sense of the sacred and a connection to God for your child even before they are born, utilizing these sensory experiences and your own prayer life? 

How does the concept of the "absorbent mind" influence your understanding of the environment you create for your young child, both physically and spiritually? 

Reflect on the idea that the child is often the first reflection of God to you. What qualities in your child have surprised you or deepened your own understanding of God's love? 

Freedom and Discipline: A Virtuous Path to Choosing the Good

As a preview of our parent workshop on the subject of Freedom and Discipline (now rescheduled to be on February 13th), I have some thoughts for you on the subject.  Keep in mind, however, that the great opportunity we all have to participate in this roundtable discussion.  (This must be how priests feel when Christmas is on a Saturday and they tell us that THE SUNDAY OBLIGATION HAS NOT BEEN DISPENSED WITH.)

For the people outside the Catholic Church, my little reference in the last paragraph may have made very little sense, or even reminded you of the stereotype that the Catholic Church is all about rules.

On Tuesday, I heard a wonderful homily at my parish which reminded me of a great truth: that these rules exist to carry us along until we have grown in love to the point where we are so in love with God that we are, as the Apostle wrote, a law unto ourselves.  Saint Anthony the Great, one of the first Christian monks, put it this way, "once I feared God; now I love Him."  Some of our atrium students would add some nuance here: the saint is not talking about "fear" like fearing spiders or deadlines.  The saint is talking about a proper sense of reverence and awe; an acknowledgment that he is in charge and we ought to care what He thinks of our actions.  After that, I might add in that if Saint Anthony were here to expand upon what he had said, he would probably tell us that the path to true love of God was through a long season of reverence and awe.

To paraphrase one of our contemporaries (Mrs. Ashton), discipline in the Montessori classroom is a combination of two things: 1. Holding firm limits and 2. Teaching grace and courtesy skills.  It is by this combination that we seek to accompany each child on the journey to make their will virtuous so that the limits which were once outside themselves enter their heart and mind.  

Here are some notes to ponder, and hopefully whet your appetite for coming to our parent workshop!

1. Maria Montessori's work was originally written in Italian and has been rendered into English by several translators over several decades.  In work by Montessori and about her education method, I have seen the dichotomy we are discussing go under three names: "freedom and discipline", "freedom and limits", and "freedom and boundaries".  I absolutely give you permission to attach your mind to whichever one speaks to you as we work together as educational partners.  Provide your children with limits.  Enforce boundaries with your children.  We want the same things for your beloved children.

2. When I say, "grace and courtesy", what do I mean?  This is not just a Montessori buzzword; it is a section of the curriculum.  Every day of school this January we have started our school day with a short lesson on a particular skill.  How does one receive a compliment?  What can we say instead of "you always" or "you never" when we need to express our displeasure with someone?  How does one dispose of food they are unable or unwilling to swallow if it is already in their mouth?  Children will not chance upon the norms of living in a community on their own.  They need to be taught.  If you want your child to be polite, we both need to be consistent models.  I must admit that when I was a young teacher back in 2014 and 2015, I was frustrated that my students were less polite than I would have liked.  Only eventually did I recall that I am more polite than my parents--that these were skills I learned from teachers, not my parents!  That is the day I discovered the importance of grace and courtesy.  It is through this curriculum that I pass down the wisdom of the community.  Together we practice the unspoken limits of our society.

3.   Assessing where the limits are can be a difficult thing, but where the rubber meets the road is what do I do when a child pushes limits?  Well, first we enforce the limit.  This helps the child know they are safe--no matter what they think at the time, they are thankful that there are responsible adults in charge.  The phrase "responsible adults" is used ironically so often nowadays, but I mean it.  Even if it is on a subconscious level, your child wants both of us to have consistent rules and hold them to that standard.  

What if that does not work?  The next stage is to take away some freedom.  We try to keep emotions out of it.  It is like when I give children math problems that are a little too hard.  My response is to dial down the difficulty; I do not want to give the child a task at which they cannot succeed.  In what ways do I give children tasks at which they cannot succeed?  There are days when one child or another cannot choose where to sit, or cannot choose their work.  In those cases, I might choose their spot or choose their work.  

How do we keep this from becoming humiliating for the child?  More than one of us here at school have read enough of CS Lewis's essays to know that a humanitarian theory of punishment is often the worst of tyrannies.  How do we not fall into this trap?  We do so by following the dictum I hear often from Mrs. Dankoski: "relationship before rules."  What does this mean?  It means that when the elementary staff gets together we are trying to think of ways to connect with the children.  We chit-chat strategically.  Earlier this week at lunch, for example, I drew the tree boss from the video game Kirby's Dreamland on the back of an index card to get a conversation going with someone who played that game over the Christmas break.  Thinking back on the words of Saint Anthony, I suppose freedom and discipline are a bit of a mobius strip.  We build rapport for the sake of the rules.  We enforce the rules so our classroom can be the peaceful place in which relationships may blossom.  Each reinforces the other.

More than any theologian, more than any homily or sermon, it is my time in Montessori elementary environment that has shown me the truth of classical ideas of freedom.  Are we most free when we see before ourselves an infinite number of choices, some good, some bad, all of seemingly equal quality?  No, that is a false idea, a prison.  Rather, we are most free when we can walk the virtuous path and choose the good. 

Freedom, Responsibility, and Obedience

The integration of freedom and discipline in the Children's House is a foundational aspect of what sets this method apart from any other method of education; or even just being with children. That said,  this is not the first time I've written about freedom and discipline and it definitely won't be the last. In fact, just this past November I wrote about freedom and discipline. 

 Where there is real freedom (i.e. freedom with responsibility, not license to do whatever one wants) the formation of the will and discipline will naturally evolve. We need to think about the word responsibility. Hidden in that word is the word "response". What is the child's response to the instructions, expectations and limits? When we see a negative, angry or oppositional response, we might consider asking ourselves if those expectations are within their capabilities.

 Recently, the Catechesis of the Good Shepherd podcast interviewed Sister Teresita Rodkey, OP and she mentioned in the podcast that right now we are living in the time when there has not been a really good balance between freedom and discipline... Maybe even for a hundred years. The pendulum has swung between permissive parenting and authoritarian parenting, and right now in our culture, it is more permissive. However, finding that sweet spot in the middle is what deepens relationship and helps children to develop their will towards the good.

I'd like to think a little bit about the development of the will and how we provide an environment to help children develop this aspect of their personality. Dr Montessori identifies three levels of obedience that a child passes through as their abilities conform to those that we as a family, community, classroom, or culture have decided are important to us. Understanding these stages according to their development can help us to understand their behavior or their choices and how to support and come alongside them in setting limits, and ultimately helping them develop an internal self-discipline.

 In the first level, a young child obeys their internal will, which is prompted by their development and their needs, so it can seem impulsive and purposeless. It is sparked by curiosity and persistence. It is an inner voice that tells a child to get up and try again every time she falls while learning to stand or take a step.  It is why a child babbles and makes the effort to communicate with sounds until those sounds come together into words. Sometimes it can seem like a nuisance when they see a set of stairs and continue to want to climb up them even when mom or dad scoop up the child, and place them on the floor again. To adults that can seem like this is not obedience at all! However, they are obedient to their development which is driving them to experience the world around them and developing skills and abilities.

 With the second level, children have some skills and abilities and are starting to follow some basic commands. They still don't have much self-control, but it is growing. It could seem like a child is obeying a parent, but really they only obey as much as the command or instruction is in line with their desires. If their desire is to make Mom or Dad smile and they received a response of enthusiasm, they are more inclined to follow the instruction. We know that language is very important, and language can make all the difference in this stage. Offering instructions that stir curiosity and a willingness to participate are more likely to get follow through. It is at this stage that young children prefer to do things with someone else and adults can come alongside a child and do something with them that maybe a child finds hard. For example, maybe your child already knows how to brush their teeth. It's a skill that they've developed. It is the end of the day they are tired and just don't want to do it. However, if Mom or Dad are also brushing their teeth alongside them, and making it interesting by maybe showing them how to scrub the back of their tongue or how many little circles can they make with their brush, or who can brush the longest before spitting... Suddenly it seems much more interesting. And, in the words of Winnie the Pooh, "everything is friendlier with two." The second level of obedience is where a child spends the longest amount of time. (And in fact, I have seen many young adults who are still in the phase!) 

 The third level is when a child has the ability to impose self-control and do what is right, even if there is something more appealing as an alternative, they know how to choose what is good, just because it is the right thing to do. This is when we see a child take initiative and clear the dinner table without being asked or reminded and not doing it for praise or to get what they want. But just because it is what we do.  This is when the will is aligned with their skills and abilities, and they have had many experiences in the world around them. They know what is expected in a particular situation, or by a particular community and are able to adapt and conform to do what is right.

We are all from childhood through adulthood going through these levels of obedience fluidly, while we are learning new expectations and developing new skills or habits. Each time a child enters a new plane of development we see changes, and often children need to go through these levels again. Even for us adults, as we go through new experiences and life or circumstance changes, we move back in these stages and need to realign our will, skill and experience.

 So what might this look like in the classroom? We always consider development when holding limits and expectations with young children.

 An Unconscious Worker (2 ½ to 3 ½ ) is just learning how to make choices. This age child will often work at a shelf or on the floor, so the adult might unroll a work mat next to the material they have chosen and place it on the work mat or help them bring it to a table. When this child is done with their work, if they get the material back to the shelf (or any shelf!), we can be satisfied. We give fun grace and courtesy lessons in small groups, to show how to care for our environment.

 The Conscious Worker is a child about 3 ½+, but before 4 and 1/2, we recognize that this age child is learning how to make choices. They are choosing materials and bringing them to a work mat or table and finishing the cycle of activity to the best of their ability. We see all the materials on the tray when they are finished, and if not, one of the adults can show again, how to restore a material properly. We use language like, “let me show you something new about this...”

A child between 4 ½-5 ½+ is choosing materials based on knowledge of the outcome of that material. He has seen the presentation and is finishing the cycle of activity all the way to the end as it has been shown to them. And it is reasonable that the adult can expect them to work with the material all the way to the end. When I see a child start something, and not finish, I begin to wonder is it knowledge or will?  There is also the expectation of restoring the material properly on the shelf as if no one had even worked on it!  But, what do we do when we see it put away less than tidy, we just asked them to “ check the material again, please" and sometimes, I need to say that a few times. And, if it's still seems to be difficult for them, then we can go and tidy it up together, remembering that everything is friendlier with two.